In a shocking twist that absolutely everyone but Gerry saw coming, the fact that our dear Golden Bachelor is falling in genuine love with every single woman in the house is starting to have some very real consequences. First, the women are starting to fall in love back. Second, he (of course!) has some sort of major breakdown next week, which we can only imagine induced fits of glee and giant, Looney Tunes-style dollar-sign eyes behind the camera. We’ll get to that later. But first... pickleball!
Well, what really comes first is yet another shot of Gerry weeping, as is now tradition. Shortly after, Bachelor(ette) alum Trista Sutter sweeps into the mansion to introduce this week’s group date, which will be attended by everyone but fitness instructor Leslie, who must have really wowed Gerry with that talent slow lap dance last week.
The activity of the week turns out to be pickleball because, as Gerry ominously warns, “it’s part of my life, and for whoever of us becomes a couple, it will be a part of my life in the future.” The game seems a little unfairly weighted toward Ellen, whose job is literally listed as “pickleball co-captain” in the episode’s intro. Still, the 71-year-old’s dinking abilities (a real pickleball term, apparently!) can’t beat April, a regular Neymar who fakes an ankle injury to get Gerry’s attention, or Sandra, who gets the group date rose for missing her daughter’s wedding to be there. The daughter is apparently fine with it and Gerry respects Sandra’s “sacrifice,” but this seems like... too much. If this writer were trying to find a life partner, missing a once-in-a-lifetime family milestone just to dink with me would be a pretty major red flag! Not for Gerry, though, who immediately falls for anyone who shows him even the slightest bit of attention. (We get it, Gerry.)
On the sidelines, Kathy and Theresa continue their nasty little brawl. 70-year-old lovestruck teenager Theresa just wants to talk about her crush and how into her he definitely is. Kathy taunts her by lying and saying Gerry told her he was sending Theresa home before telling her opponent to “zip it.” Theresa decidedly doesn’t zip it and immediately snitches to Gerry. Au revoir, Kathy.
But before the rose ceremony, Leslie and Gerry have to mount a pair of ATVs for their one-on-one date, while the rest of the girls play Never-Have-I-Ever back at the mansion. Leslie gets a rose and we learn that Susan has “been with a woman, sexually.” Good times are had by all.
Everyone keeps the good vibes going (except maybe Kathy) at the cocktail party. Gerry pulls Susan aside to gift her a rose quartz crystal for... some reason, before telling her that her “empathy” and “strength” remind him “so much” of his late wife Toni. Huh. That’s before we get to the even bigger disclosure of the evening, which is that Ellen—who apparently sleeps in the giant diamond earrings she got on the last date—is falling in love with Gerry.
“I’m in the same place,” Gerry responds, which is actually kind of measured by his standards. That is, of course, before he swerves way too hard in the direction we’ve come to expect in an ensuing confessional. “The last time [someone said those words to me] was my wife of 43 years,” he chokes out. “When I lost Toni... I never thought I would see it again. And yet, I am. I’m seeing it and feeling it.” Gerry, no! That’s only okay if you’re not dating nine women at once! It’s genuinely great that this man is getting another chance at happiness, but, again, there’s no way this will end well for anyone involved.
At the rose ceremony, Gerry acknowledges that it’s pretty wild he’s already halfway through his journey (and one episode away from hometowns, which are sure to be, uh, extra emotional this season) before sending home Nancy, April, and Kathy. At least the best woman won that little arc.
Next week, it all comes crashing down. We know, we know—episode previews are often pretty misleading. But how else are we supposed to interpret “the only time I’ve ever felt worse in my entire life is when my wife passed away, and this is a goddamn close second”? Dear producers (and Gerry’s therapist): we sincerely hope you know what the fuck you’re doing.
The Golden Bachelor is available to stream now on Hulu.